Trading Places
It has been three painful weeks since Dad (my father-in-law) died. The grief is almost crushing. I am amazed by the grieving process. For me, it has been surreal; in and out of a dream state, like an “out of body” experience. I see myself walking a path, or weeping, or holding up my wife and mother-in-law in their grief, but from afar.
It had been almost eleven years since I had walked this journey of loss. I believe it was on my 24th birthday that I received a call from my uncle saying that my grandfather had suffered a massive heart attack and had died while on vacation in Arizona. I was alone in the house, and the silence was deafening.
I do not want this story portrayed as one of unending sadness, or as a soul’s destruction, or of a life ended in tragedy. For it is not. It is quite the contrary. There have been countless miracles, mighty battles, visions of God’s hand, hope coming down and enveloping our home, and GREAT victories. The greatest knowledge came because we said good-bye to Dad on Good Friday, and we had the opportunity to experience our first true Easter with my mother-in-law.
For some strange reason Dad’s death felt like a graduation day. It was a day of moving from late adolescence into real adulthood. Being an adult is hard. Making funeral arrangements, orchestrating a burial, comforting visiting family, finding time to grieve for myself, all while trying to love and support the people closest to me. It is amazing how much of God’s love and strength I have had during this time. I felt as if I was being carried. God is so good.
In the midst of all of this, I found out last Friday that my mother has cancer of the Thyroid. Please lift her health up in prayer. I am not sure I have even processed out these feelings, but my heart has been really heavy. So much so that I was rushed to the local Emergency room on Saturday night with chest pains. I thought it was all over for me.
I was awoken from a deep sleep at 2:19 a.m. with pains in my chest and I could barely breathe. It was prime time for a heart attack and my mind was swimming. Not with regret of things I had left undone, but of the thought of failing my family. I felt as though I had failed them by leaving them during this present darkness. Obviously I am still here. I was released at 8 a.m. on Sunday morning. The doctors could not explain my symptoms and I will be seeing a doctor this week to start the investigation.
I have no idea why I am writing these personal thoughts here, in this space… I suppose it is a vehicle to ensure that nothing goes left unsaid.
Today, as I was leaving for Austin on business, 33 students were murdered by a gunman at Virginia Tech, here in Blacksburg Virginia, on Saturday evening while in the ER I listened to the PA ring out with numerous Code Blues (someone is near death), and I drive by a location daily (near my home) that took the life of a teenage boy and his sister just days before Christmas because of an auto accident.
Given our situation, our pain, and circumstances, I would not trade places with anyone else. You take the good with the bad. You take life’s success in stride with the pain that it offers.
I am here; in the midst of embracing my pain.